Masturbation has, and always be, the married, or just plain committed, man's secret escape. More secret than the secret garden itself, masturbation is the one thing, eh make that one of the things, that guys have to fall back on when times are tough with the girlfriend, fiancee, or wife; when they're bored; when they're home skipping school with "a cold" and they know their mom is going to call in over lunch break to check on them so they can't leave the house. Truth of the matter is, we all do it. If your guy says he doesn't, then he's fucking lying.
When it comes to masturbation, there are several things to consider: schedule, length of the wank fest, jerk-off material, clean-up supplies, and lube. I know what you're thinking girls: "There's no way it could be that involved or that complicated!" But it is...
First of all, schedule is important. If you've got a roommate, memorizing his/her class schedule is crucial, so that way you know when you've got the time to pull out the lotion and the j-rag. Not only is knowing when you will have the time for it important, but it is also very important to take into consideration the hornyness of your girlfriend (if you have one). I know, I know...a lot of you are thinking: "You have a girlfriend, why jack off??" The truth of the matter is, there just is nothing like an old fashioned self-imposed handy. Back to the point, you need to know when your girlfriend is typically horniest. You don't want to have just cranked one out and then have her come over after work, class, practice, etc...and be in the mood. You can't just fire two rockets off in quick succession. It just doesn't work like that. The all day sex fest is not all that common either, so shooting a blank off on your own time usually makes for a good time. Also, we all know getting the first easy one out of the chamber is crucial for optimum performance.
Secondly, the length of the wank fest is important to the kind of mood you want to set. Personally, I prefer the flat on my back, staring at the ceiling, prayin' to jeebus position, but others might like the hospital bed set-up with lots of pillows, some might like the jerk-off into the mirror move, and who knows, some people go for the old extension cord around the neck move. Whatever fucking floats your boat, homes. After you've established how much time you have, you're free to decide if setting up shop is something you can do or if you'll just need to go with the quickie tug. This leads me to the next important factor of the manhandling process.
Jerk-off material. We all know a good, dirty porno does the job for most of us, but some dudes are weird. Face it, we all know the kid that has to have a grandma fuckin' herself with a pineapple while eating a stick of butter to get off, but thankfully, that's not us (I hope). But depending on the mood you've set, sometimes a good old fashioned one-on-one can do it for you. Other times you might need the girl-on-girl for a quickie pull. Still other times, the do-it-yourself girl pleasuring herself might be just what you need for a nice, slow, lengthy release...you know, the kind that you might want after a workout as a cool down?
Clean-up supplies are also crucial. You don't want to be caught without a j-rag. Some people prefer the paper towel: super absorbent for the waterfall shots, plenty of coverage for the sprinkler spray, and big enough to fold several times for those gooey, sticky bastards. Others prefer the tube sock...not sure why...I mean even if you planned on throwing the thing out anyways, that fucker has to be dirty as shit...dirtier than even the scummiest skank you could find a frat kegger. Yet, the always economical option, the hand towel does a good job as well...throw that sucker in the laundry and you've got yourself a reusable j-rag. We all know what's up, there's no need to expand.
But finally, the ever important lube. Sometimes you've just got dry skin...maybe it's dry outside and you can't keep moisturized...yeah, you're a swimmer, the chlorine sucks your skin dry...whatever. We all know what the bottle of lotion is really doing next to your bed. Just admit it and move on.
But hey, say you do have yourself a girl that loves to fuck you all the time and she's out of town...if you find a girl that loves to fuck, seems into you and you actually find yourself wanting to jack off to the particularly dirty acts that you've done in the past when she's not around, fucking marry her. I mean, masturbation is your own private fantasy world where you can fuck any girl you want, any way you want and she isn't going to think you're weird, make you pull out or wear a rubber, and she sure as hell isn't going to ask you to cuddle, pick up the kids, or take the trash out when you're done. But if you're with someone so hot, amenable to the naughty, or whatever it is that when you take off to your own private retreat in the Palm Springs Hilton of your Mind, you actually want to pull something the two of you have done out of your spank bank, man you're in for a good life.
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