The Need (part 1: Formal Events)

"Ok, fine.  I have a drinking problem.  Is that what you want to hear?"

I don't know how many guys have had to say this ridiculous statement to their beloved female companions following a night out with the broskies and the brewskies that ended with four empty bags of Taco Bell, a missing credit card, and an inexplicable bruise on the back of their arm, but the truth of the matter is this:  We don't have a fucking problem.

There are reasons, gals, why it IS necessary to get that drunk.  You see, the male sex is not primarily known for its ability to behave appropriately in social situations.  That's what we have you for: to nag at our elbows and tell us to slow down the drinking.

Weddings, dinner parties, hell even Irish funerals...they're all things that we would likely do without if the female race dropped off the face of the earth.

• Even if we started pairing off to begin a life of homosexual activity, we aren't going to have a fucking wedding.  That's your thing, not ours.  We just do it so we don't start off the rest of our lives together on the wrong foot.  

• Dinner? We would just be happy to sit down and watch re-runs of Sportscenter eating Cheetos and drinking beer with our flies unzipped...we don't need to throw parties to eat together.  Ordering pizza, having one of my friends grab a case of beer, and another bringing over some batteries for the remote is as much of a party as I'm likely to be throwing anytime soon.

• And as far as funerals are concerned, I'm pretty sure the ancient Vikings just threw their dead mates and friends on a boat with some gold, possessions and set the thing on fire and shoved it into the ocean.  That's all we need to do to mourn our losses.

So when it comes to drinking, we don't have a problem.  The truth of the matter is that we get shitfaced in order to enjoy ourselves a little more or to dull the pain that sitting through a four-hour long ceremony about a lady we didn't even know afflicts on our ass.